cScott's Babylon 5 Parodies


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Episode 506: "When a Ranger Calls"

In Ranger School, the teacher is explaining to the students why they shouldn't listen to anything he says, when a warrior shows up and tells him that they're going to Babylon 5 to see if he can be as annoying as Lochley and Byron. A couple of students decide that they'd rather die than listen to another boring lecture, so he takes them along to give them the chance to prove it.

Meanwhile, on Babylon 5, a bill collector named Trace is showing a client his credit report, but he doesn't understand it so Trace kills him to teach him a lesson, and decides to repossess the station because they're behind on their payments.

Lochley goes to have lunch, but nobody will let her sit at their table because she's not Ivanova, so she has to sit with Garibaldi and Zach. Before she can yell at him, Garibaldi decides to yell at her for a change, so he asks her which side she was on in the war. She finally admits that she wasn't on his side, and then rambles on for a while about following orders and being shot by a firing squad. Garibaldi asks her more questions, but she says she can't answer because she only knows three words, and then leaves. Zach complains about the food some more and everyone applauds.

Meanwhile, Security finds a body and calls Zack. Upon examining the body, he concludes that the victim was killed execution-style, by one-armed man with a lisp. In spite of how wildly wrong Zack's deductions are, Trace decides to kill him anyway, just in case he were to accidentally get one right. One of Trace's men insists that killing Zack is a bad idea because he's already contracted for all of season 5, but Trace says he wants to send a message to Babylon 5 Security and the payphones are all too expensive.

After meeting with the Delenn, the teacher tells the students to go and play so he can talk to her alone. He tells her that Lennier has been carving "Lennier -n- Delenn" and "Death 2 Sheridan" on all of the desks, but they don't know what it means. Delenn doesn't want to talk about it, but she also doesn't want him to get a bad report card, so the teacher promises to look out for Lennier, if Delenn will tell him all of the juicy details.

Garibaldi meets with a couple of telepaths that are going to be working with him, but they can't stay very long because they just got a new Morrisey CD that they want to listen to, so Garibaldi tries to talk Zack into letting him read Lochley's diary instead. Then Zack gets a call from a woman who says she's seen the one-armed man, and goes to meet her, while Garibaldi tries to open Lochley's diary, but he can't because it's locked.

Downbelow, Trace is meeting with the woman who called Zack so he can pay her for helping them teach Zack a lesson. When the woman learns that Trace's particular teaching method always involves killing, she changes her mind but doesn't give him his money back. When she tries to call for Security, Trace's men attack her and she screams. The student Rangers hear her and one of them wants to help her, but the other one thinks its probably just the telepaths doing another production of "Les Miserable". The first student decides to help her anyway, so he rushes in while the other one goes for popcorn just in case.

The student manages to save the woman by getting hit on the head with a lead pipe. Since Trace has heard that dead Rangers are a good way get Sheridan's attention, he and his men start beating up the student.

Later, Dr. Franklin tells Delenn that the student is badly hurt but that MedLab is covered under his HMO plan. Delenn tells Franklin that the student needs to be well enough to stand as soon as possible. When he asks her what she's talking about, she says it's a part of Ranger training called "the application of terror". He says that he also has an Application of Terror, but that he calls it Office '61.

Delenn goes to see Lochley because the Rangers have decided to throw a party for Trace, and Security isn't invited. Lochley isn't happy about it, but Delenn says that she's already talked to Sheridan and that he said it was okay. Lochley makes a comment about that being just what she would expect from a man who probably still hangs his socks in the bathroom. Delenn is puzzled, but Lochley cleverly changes the subject by asking if Sheridan still snores.

Meanwhile, the other student is in MedLab, feeling guilty because he didn't help and ate all of the popcorn. When the teacher asks him why he didn't help, he admits that he was afraid that the other Rangers would make fun of him and not let him join in any Ranger games. The teacher tells him it's okay to be honest about being a worthless sniveling coward, and then starts a lengthy lecture about mountains and flowers, so he goes to see if maybe it's not too late to get Trace to kill him instead.

As soon as the first student is able to walk a little, the teacher and the warrior give him a choice of either fighting Trace to the death, or signing up for their new lecture series, so he goes looking for Trace.

Later, Zack finds his entire Security force wandering around outside Trace's secret hideout, so he makes them leave. Trace and his men are glad to hear that Security is gone, until they realise that they forgot to pay the power bill. As they stumble around in the dark, they are attacked, one at a time, by hidden Rangers. As the last man falls, he tries to warn Trace that "the calls are coming from inside the station!", but it's too late. Trace is surrounded.

Trace is forced to fight the student, while all of the Rangers make fun of him and tell him he hits like a Pak'ma'ra. The student beats him easily, and as he loses conciousness, he starts to think that maybe he should've used a payphone after all.

Garibaldi is in Zack's office, talking about how stubborn Minbari are, when he sees that Zach is reading Lochley's diary. When he asks if he can read it too, Zach says no and leaves, but Garibaldi notices that the diary isn't locked.

Meanwhile, in Sheridan's quarters, Delenn asks him how Lochley knew that he hangs his socks in the bathroom. He says he'll tell her during the cutaway scene, because he doesn't want us to know yet. After the cutaway scene, they're lying on opposite sides of the bed, and Delenn is obviously angry. Sheridan starts to say something, but when Delenn pulls away, he decides that maybe this isn't the best time to remind her that three is a sacred number.


Next Episode...

Episode 507: "Strained Relations"

in which Bester embarasses Byron in front of the other telepaths, Garibaldi and Lochley fight some more, and Delenn puts Londo and G'Kar on the "buddy" system.


Previous Episode...

Episode 505: "A View from the Peanut Gallery"

in which Lochley shows up for an episode, and hires a couple of construction workers to keep the station running during an alien attack.


cScott's Babylon 5 Parodies and the contents of this page are copyright 1998-2001 C. Scott Davis

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Babylon 5, characters, names, and all related indicia are trademarks of Time Warner Entertainment Co., LP. 1997 Time Warner Entertainment Co., LP.